I'm almost positive that you treat your best friend differently then you treat your buddy in math class. You save all your sacrilegious jokes and nasty comments for some one you that know won't judge you. Because if your neighbor in class happens to be in the Christian fellowship club and is best friends with that shady looking guy you wouldn't feel to hot after letting your mouth spill.
My dad has constantly told me to stop living a double life. He says I'm one person with my friends and one person with my family. It's wrong, I know, but I can't help it. Although he isn't completely right (there are some quirks you can't hide no matter how hard you try) I don't think I am completely capable of "being myself", or even knowing who "myself" is, all the time. It's not that my parents are abnormally unfair or are completely unsympathetic with their fifteen year old daughter, it's just more of a personal issue for me. Basically it's not them, it's me.
My conclusion to this is I think this might be apart of the reason why art appeals to me so much. My work may be the only place where all my lives merge into one, because no matter how small that role of yours may seem in your life it will always have some sort of an effect on you. Those effects on me throughout the day are what changes my thoughts and brings me new ideas, allowing me to create.
The fact that my art may be a merging of all my lives may just be the reason I don't like people reading a lot of my work. Am I ready to show the whole world the real me all at once? Well, all the real "mes".
"My work may be the only place where all my lives merge into one"
ReplyDeleteI think this is a brilliant observation. And I know it is true for me. I only feel like I am myself when I am working on a project. Without some art or some project - a play, a painting, I feel like a ghost and I drift.
I do think we are many people, and the more complex the person, the more potential people we might have in us.
We also change who we are depending on who we are around - I base all my thinking about acting these days on this fact. As one becomes firmer with who one is (all the you's there are) I think we tend to settle into something consistently, but as a teenager, it is an experiment full of confusion.
These years you're in right now are all about finding your identity, as it is reflected by other people, as reflected in your work, as you find in quite moments by yourself.
But, you know, I think you are doing quite well on the journey thus far. As Bela told his daughter, "Take your time."
Luke