Junior Year

The last year of grades that gets sent into colleges. SAT scores. Final GPAs. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Junior fucking year.

Ironic that the girl who could tell you exactly what she wanted and how she was going to get it in fifth grade no longer knows. It's not a matter of so many options being in front of me. It's a matter of me becoming to realistic for my own good; I've become so realistic that my idea of realistic is closer to plain old pessimistic. It sounds terribly corny and stupid, but everything went south when I started believing that I couldn't be what I wanted to be.

Seems like the joke was on me. I can be whatever I want to be, and I just lost three months of the most important year of my high school career trying to re-learn that I could be whatever I want to be (something I knew once before).

I think it's how close college is, how close the "real world" is, to me that is making me go crazy. The best advice I can give to any freshman and sophomore is to take care of yourself academically, creatively, and socially those first two years of high school. When you're a junior, don't get caught up in being a junior. Realize that you were doing fine all through out high school and junior year is not that much different from what you've already done. If you let junior year become this mystical force you're just going to screw yourself over.

Getting Shit Done

The level of productivity is relative. "Productive" depends on you're level of understanding and expertise on whatever you're working on. So when comparing two people one person finishes something in one day but it takes another person a week to do the same task. The first person has more experience doing this thing than the second person has. The first person finished the task and just takes a break for the rest of the week. The second person fished the task days later, but has been constantly working on it. The first person wasn't productive. The second person was.

Some of my friends are just plain old stupid. But what they don't have in intelligence they make up for with hard work. What some one needs to be brilliant is a mix between intelligence and hard work. You may be born with the thought process of a genius, but without hard work no one in the world is going to know that but you. I mean, maybe it was easy for people in the 1800s to get themselves out there just on their smarts, but in todays dog eat dog world everyone has the opportunity to learn. Even the worst public schools out there could help bring out a brilliant person. It's about what the brilliant person puts into school. If he puts in a lot of work, he gets out a big reward.

Do these two paragraphs seem to relate to eachother? If not, sorry. Just thinking through blog.

Not "living in the past" was brought up today. I thought, Hey! Maybe I am living in the past!

I'm not living in the past. When I really thought about it, none of my recent behavior indicates me living in the past. So what didn't make sense is why I was so quick to believe that I was.

You know why I kept telling myself that was the reason? It's because I wanted to give myself a reason, any reason, for my recent behavior. You could of told me I was sad because my pet gargoyle died and angry because my evil step-mother is the one who killed it, and I may have believed you. I ignore the fact that I don't have a pet gargoyle or a evil step-mother (or even a regular step-mother) and I give myself a reason.

It's been a shit year so far. I've been denying it for weeks, but it's true. I've just kind of been in a slump, and I wish I knew what put me in it. Knowing why things happen doesn't necessarily make it a whole lot easier to fix anything, but when you have a reason for why things are the way they are you're at least assured that you're not going insane.

Well, maybe all this over analyzation of my own mind is what's going to drive me insane.

Procrastination

It's a major character flaw, and it comes in the way of almost everything I want. I won't give you any of that "take me or leave me" bullshit because I'm almost positive that there's another version of me walking the streets, and if that version of me isn't a procrastinator I would probably take her and leave me.

It's not something I like. I hate it. I spend days procrastinating - watching movies I've never really wanted to see or online shopping for shoes I really don't need. I can't even enjoy these meaningless tasks because the whole time I'm thinking of the essay I should be writing or the book i should be reading (erm, The Empty Space).

It's a horrible disorder that I would not wish upon anyone. After you've wasted a large amount of time, you try and squeeze days worth of work into three hours (usually from about 1 AM - 4 AM). You stress yourself out for weeks worrying about when you're going to get off your ass and start, and then you end the process with a truck full of "THIS NEEDS TO GET DONE NOW."

It's in my way. Step One - rid procrastination. Step Two - take over the world. That's really all there is to it.

Tell No One

Tell No One is one of those movies that leaves you with butterflies in your stomach. The same kind of butterflies you get when you see your crush in the hallway. The love butterflies. And while it's not the same brand of love, I'm definitely in love with Tell No One.

I don't even want to talk about the plot twist. (Or rather, plot twists). The fact that I didn't even see the last plot twist coming is enough to get me to love this movie. I usually know exactly what's coming when I'm watching a movie. Either my intuition was off or this movie is brilliant. From what I can tell, it's the latter.

What I really do want to talk about is the shots. Every single shot was gorgeous. There was not one piece of the movie that I couldn't see as a gorgeous photograph. The movie is more then a mysterious thriller, it is a mysterious thriller with beauty. Every shot was more beautiful and elegant then the one before it.

My favorite shots were at the lake. True, the area is already naturally beautiful so it shouldn't be that hard to capture a beautiful shot. But while it's easy to capture a beautiful image when it's already naturally pretty, it's not easy to capture a beautiful image that really makes you feel. I gave me a tang in the stomach very similar to the one I feel when looking at Monet's Water Lilies .

Cheerleaders Never Tire

Towards the end of the trip I would look around me and see ten kids half asleep. I couldn't help but wonder how they could possibly be so tired so easily. I was bouncing off the walls. Plus, it was only 10 o'clock.

It's always been hard for me to start things, but once I start I usually can't stop rolling. I just get in this mode where nothing seems out of reach and everything becomes done. It's so rare because it requires starting, and as I stated before, I just can't start.

I think this explains a lot about my personality beyond getting work done. A long day filled with activities tire most people out, but it just fuels me up more. I can quite literally spend the whole day in bed and not find enough energy to leave the house, but if you get me to do things I could easily stay out all day. This is something I'll need to work on when it comes to getting shit done.

The trip was a ton of fun. My group came a mess, spent the day as a slightly more organized mess, and ended with us all organized and filed back with our friends. We didn't come out best friends, but we don't hate each other. The day was productive, there weren't a lot of inside jokes created but we've all created a mutual understanding for each other. My group resembled a business team of some sort. Nice and efficient, but not all that close.

My main complaint with the whole group thing was the fact that it was done for this trip - a trip that leaves earlier and ends later then most of our trips do, a trip we've been looking forward to since september. I was enraged on thursday, but by thursday night I really didn't care anymore. I just thought, will I really give two shits in a year?

Swan Lake - AMAZING. I've seen a lot of ballets (Whaddup season tickets at Lincoln Center?) but that was honestly like nothing I've seen before. I can't wait to talk about it tomorrow.

Be Kind, Rewind

Boy, was there an improvement in quality in this years Be Kind Rewind movies.

It was only STAC's second time using the Be Kind Rewind protocol, but the difference in films is unbelievable. Some of last years movies we're so hard to follow it was unbearable. Now we're making movies that are not only easy to follow, but you enjoy following them.

The fact of the matter is, we have a whole bunch of newbies, it's been a year since we last made films with the Be Kind Rewind protocol, and it's only our second time using it. This simply shows one thing: when you don't get it right the first time, you better try again - especially if you're a STACie.

The first time you do anything, you're bound to mess up. No one is looking for perfect, so be as experimental as you can. You don't really know what will or won't work, so don't cross anything off the list until you try.

The second time you do something, you're bound to get a hell of a lot better. No one is looking for perfect, but you're going to get really close if you learned from your previous mistakes. We all need to mess up so we can get better.

Dear STAC,

2010:

You are all amazing. You are all talented and creative and intelligent and just plain old amazing. I miss all of you insane amounts; even the ones I didn't really get that close to during the school year.

But the weird thing about the meaning of "that close" in STAC is that it is still incredibly close. When thinking about certain parts of last year I want to break down and cry. There were times where I felt like one person with all of you, like in Jim Bonie's workshop. How close we became was overwhelming.

That being said:

2011:

You are all amazing. You are all talented and creative and intelligent and just plain old amazing. I can not wait to miss all of you insane amounts.

It's a weird thing to say, I can't wait to miss you, but it's true. I can't wait to become so close with all of you that there will be something to miss. We're all going to separate at one point or another, and I just want there to be something amazing to miss when we've gone our own ways.

I know that we will all become incredibly close. I already feel so much closer to you all in the short time we've been here.

Why I'm bringing this up?

As most of you probably already know, old STACies have been visiting the past few days. Nikki (class of 2010) said something about how she tells her friends at Binghamton stories from STAC and they just don't get it. They don't understand. It's silly that I needed some one to go away to college and tell me that before I realized how true this is. I see it everyday. I can talk to my closest friends in the whole world - the people who know me best - and they just don't get it. You really have to be in STAC to understand some things, and thats what brings us so close.

Then while watching To Sir, With Love today I saw a little bit of STAC in the movie. I found a similarity within STAC and the class in the movie. Not because we smoke and curse in the STAC room, but because both STAC and the class in the movie have a "sink or swim" vibe

to them. Just the way the class in the movie was united - they could joke together, they could learn together, they could even stand up against the teacher for one another - was very STAC.

Bottom line: STACies stick together.

Trip Number One!

What everyone talks about is how great the trips are - how much fun you had, how much freedom you were given, etc. Those are the obvious things, everyone loves those things.

What I love most about the STAC trips is talking about it next day. No matter who I'm talking to, whether it's a friend or a parent or a teacher, his or her jaw drops when they hear me speak. You learn so much on these trips that you surprise yourself.

This year, I found myself at iHop with my dad the morning after the trip. After 20 minutes of talking about the chiropractor appointment that we just came from my dad asked me how the trip went. I went beyond the usual teenage answer of "good" and told him everything from MoMA to the social experiment I performed with my group to La Cage Aux Folles. Every word I said shocked me and him, although you think we'd get used to it since this is not the first time I've shocked the both of us with my knowledge of art.

Bottom line, when it comes to drawing and painting, I've always been short on talent. I came into STAC loving art but never being able to create my own. I still can't really create, but my appreciation for art grew a whole lot when I began to say more than "pretty colors" for each painting.

Physcography Number Two... Again

I think I got this whole "liminal spaces" thing down. I fully understand it, and I'm aware that I don't have the best photo representation of my understanding. I'll try to explain my thought process for each picture.

Nature (Plant) vs. Man (Home, Price Tag)

Hot (Stove) vs. Cold (Countertop)

One Room vs. Another

One Room vs. Another

Warmth (Rug) vs. Cold (Floor)

*I have more photos but for some reason blogger refuses to upload them

My room is a complete mess. There are papers and clothes and shoes and bags and makeup and books and hair stuff everywhere. And thats only what I see on the left half. It's weird for me to have my room like this and not clean it almost immediately. I love chaos, but I hate living in it.

So when talking about liminal spaces I immediately thought of emptiness. Spaces with nothing there. The empty space could be due to a number of things, like the shape of the furniture, or the arrangement of objects, or distance from the wall. It comforted me a bit to start taking this meaning of liminal spaces and using it to take photos in my own room. I managed to find a lot of empty space in a lot of mess.

I haven't felt like myself this past week, and I think I came to a realization of that while we improved at the community center. I cracked. I was jumpy and incoherent. I was unbelievably mad and happy and sad and cheerful all at once. I was shaking and sweating and freezing and heating.

It sounds a lot like your common cold (which might be a lot of it - I cheered at every practice last week with a fever and a runny nose) but it was also really different. I was watching me from the outside; I wasn't being me.

But I really noticed this during the improv. I'm always happy and in a good mood, so improv was easy in the sense that I just changed from being me to being extreme. But when you're already extreme what do you do? I felt stuck and uneasy - something was off.

I wish I could say that I walked out of the community center back as me, but I can't. It actually just kind of spiraled after the community center. But I think that was for the better. If I never spiraled out of control, I don't think I would ever become me again.

Psycho-geography

Design. It's something you see everyday. Whether you're a physicist or the artist himself you must encounter. There is no escaping design.

And personally, I have no desire to escape design. It's what gives life flavor. You can look at the same design five different ways, altering its mood and identity with each alternative perception. I used this concept while taking photos for my psycho-geography project.

Interior design is one of my favorite forms of design. I always walk towards the prettiest part of the room, the most demanding piece of furniture, the loudest wall color. I often look at a piece and imagine ways to work it into different rooms, just to see how many ways I can think of.

For this project I took photos of furniture or decorative objects that are curved. Either the piece itself is round or the elements within it. Not the very distinct feeling in each photos. While all pieces are circular and many have similar designs, they all have their own feel when in different rooms. Some feel very traditional, some feel eclectic, and some feel undeniably modern.

While some of these pieces seem to be too much on the extreme side of the spectrum to work in any other kind of room, I really wonder how true that is. Maybe next photo project I'll carry around a piece that looks so incredibly traditional that it's almost impossible to imagine it in a non-traditional room and take photos with it in all different kinds of rooms. The pieces attitude may change completely.

The Prisoner

I've always been one for honesty, so I'm going to be frank. I did not like the first episode of The Prisoner. I couldn't tell if it was the show itself or if it was the pounding headache I had from the first day of school. Either way, I was not looking forward to watching another episode. The idea of watching another episode made me want to barf. I couldn't even imagine watching a whole season. A whole freaking season.

But now I definitely know that it was the insanity from the first day that kept me from enjoying The Prisoner. I loved episode number two. And it goes without saying I got a whole lot more out of it without the thumping in my head.

First of all, the beginning. The beginning is the same as the last (and I'm assuming the next) completely adding to the whole circle thing. The blob is circular, the green dome is circular, and the actual show is circular. No matter what he does he ends up in the same place; Trapped and confused in the village.

Then there was the whole even number business. Number six's neighbor was number eight. All the other townspeople mentioned were even numbers (38,12, etc.). To go with the whole utopian thing, even numbers have always given me the idea of perfection. Maybe I'm the only one who sees it this way. Maybe it's because of math (that whole even numbers can always be perfectly divided by two thing gives me the feeling that even numbers always feel good) or maybe it's just the regular old connotation of the word "even." Number one is asked about and mentioned, but whether number one exists or not isn't said. Number two seems to be the one in charge.

Or at least the one who thinks he's in charge. Number two is the ultimate tool. He's the biggest "pawn" out of all of them. The other villagers may not be pretending to call the shots, but at least they last longer than an episode! Number twos come and go, and they don't seem to have any actual power. If they had half the power they act like they have, no one would be able to get rid of them.

Unless the number twos had to go because they had too much knowledge. Which is really the biggest crime anyone in the prisoner could commit, right? Having too much knowledge.

Clueless

No, not like the movie. I'm even more out of the loop then those life size Barbie dolls. This whole thing makes me paranoid. Paranoid and out of the loop. Such great qualities.

My head is spinning.

How do they do this in real life?

Acting Workshop Four

I had a great time at this last workshop. There was a great energy within the whole class during the whole duration of the workshop. I was extremely energetic and I could feel that most other people were too.

We got to work with a very general script which was used as the dialogue for a different scenarios for each duo that went up. What each of the radically different scenarios did have in common though is that they were all extremely dramatic. They had to be in order for us to be the most dramatic, because the more that we were risking the more emotional we become. Once Jim Bonie thought that we were at the height of our emotions he took the scripts away and told us to improvise the scene from there.

I really enjoyed this acting workshop the best out of all of the other Jim Bonie workshops.

Storytelling Workshop

I absolutely adored the story telling workshop. It was great to work with the vibrant Julia, and the concept of professional storytelling is so interesting to me.

The workshop started off with a basic name learning, shaking out our bodies, and becoming in touch with our "inner-child." That reminded me of the Jim Bonie workshop. Once we were all connected to our inner-child, we got to watch Julia tell stories and then tell stories of our own. I loved one thing that we did that was very improvisational. I've always liked improv, so I got to use a little bit of the fun from improv to tell a story.

Overall, I really loved story telling because I got to use acting and writing both in the same improvisational moment.

Rob's Workshop

I loved Rob's workshop. There was the technical aspect that I got to see a little bit of (since me and Nick were the first partners to go we got to watch Rob set up) and there was working with your subject while getting them to be vulnerable. It's a hard situation to be in because you always have a guard up, and the last thing you want to do is put it down. Especially in a picture, which can last forever. But Nick and I have been friends for well over a year now, so I was as comfortable working with him that I think I could get.

Acting Workshop Three

This workshop was more intense then the last two have been. I got more emotional, although I don't think many people could tell since I almost immediately stopped myself from crying. (Which I will not do again!) It was hard for me to not get emotional. After the first few people went into the circle in order to break out her inner child there were a lot of tears around the room. I was shaky almost throughout the workshop.

Once we listened to "Iris" by the goo goo dolls and began to say the lines of the song out loud, the emotions in the room became even stronger and the tears grew even heavier. I thought this was a great workshop overall, and I hope that next time I can be more willing to let my emotions free.

April 19 - April 23

This week I'm going to read about filmmaking. I'll be reading through the film books that are in the STAC room. I hope to read a minimum of 40 pages by Friday. I'll also try to finalize my film's cast.

Acting Workshop Two

My experience in the workshop today was completely different then my experience in the first one. Although some of the exercises today were stayed the same, I still had a different mentality. After the first workshop I came out feeling kind of jumbled up. Not because of fear or insecurity or anything like that. For whatever reason I came out tuesdays workshop a little somber.

Today, however, I came out extremely happy. I was definitely happy after the first workshop, but the happiness was a confused kind of happiness. I came out of todays workshop 100% happy.

There's an adrenaline rush that comes with acting, and I could feel it, even through small exercises. I really think that acting is something that I can learn and enjoy.

Acting Workshop One

I'm not really an actress, so I've never really taken an acting class. So when the workshop was incredibly new, and I loved it. There was something so exhilarating about allowing yourself to act out your emotions. Whether it's something I felt last year or a second earlier, I let it all out. While it was exhilarating, it also made me a little uneasy. Not in a bad way, and not in a way that I can really describe either. The uneasiness of it all brought a happiness. It was a thrilling kind of uneasy. I hope that by the end of the workshop I leave with some kind of acting skill. Whenever I see really talented acting I get inspired, so it would be great to appear to be a really talented actor.

Book Presentation

I think my presentation went well because I was able to talk about the book, the author, and a few things I learned from the book. It was a little on the short side, but I don't think that's a huge issue because I did talk about almost all the key points of the book. My book was fairly short, so there wasn't a huge bit of material to expand on.

Repost: Values

Whether you're an artist or not, you will eventually try to figure out what's important to you. You may be forced into thinking about it like we were today in STAC, or you may just come to a realization after doing things your not so proud/proud of. I don't think anyone is born knowing what ideas and values they believe in.

I don't know what my core values are for sure yet, but things on my list so far are:

1. Confidence
2. Freedom
3. Responsibility

What was easier for me was to spot one of my issues. Once Luke said to think back through all your work and see what's reoccurring I figured out the commonality in all of them immediately. I've constantly been testing the boundaries of the relationships between family members. I always try to test the strength of strong families I make up or try to break the weaker. I can pinpoint this back to the birth of my brother. I'm eight years older then him, and the eight years were I was an only child was spent begging for a sibling. I've always been strangely close to my brother. Yes, I admit, there are times where my hormonal teenage girl self snaps at him for a reaction, but more often then that I'm oddly protective of him. Less "big brother" and more motherlike. Not that I don't have a good mother -I do- but I can't help but be another voice of reason for him.

I also had discussion about time today. I can't write about this much because it's something I think about all the time and still don't have a strong point of view on yet. I need to digest.

Discipline.

I lack it. I want it. Will this help me gain it?

Project 365, everyday for three hundred sixty five days.

Enneagram Again!

So I retook the Enneagram test on another site and I got the result I was expecting, type seven. How accurate some of the statements are is semi-creepy, but it doesn't freak me out as much as it should since I've always been interested in this kind of thing and have taken many creepily accurate personality tests throughout my life.

Enneagram

"It is not clear from these test results which Enneagram type and wing you are."

I got "most likely a 9" and to take wings into account and "you seem to be a 4w3 or 9w8." It's weird though, because the first paragraph about Type Nine says "They tend to avoid conflict at all costs, whether it be internal or interpersonal" even though for all the questions about conflict I said that I didn't care about conflict. In fact, I see myself as the exact opposite of every aspect of type nine. Does this test some how know me better then I know myself? I think even with an unexpected result I would read the description and thing "Woah, that is me" but I don't at all when reading over type nine.

Values?

Whether you're an artist or not, you will eventually try to figure out what's important to you. You may be forced into thinking about it like we were today in STAC, or you may just come to a realization after doing things your not so proud/proud of. I don't think anyone is born knowing what ideas and values they believe in.

I don't know what my core values are for sure yet, but things on my list so far are:

1. Confidence
2. Not allowing other people to influence you too strongly
3. Thinking things through

What was easier for me was to spot one of my issues. Once Luke said to think back through all your work and see what's reoccurring I figured out the commonality in all of them immediately. I've constantly been testing the boundaries of the relationships between family members. I always try to test the strength of strong families I make up or try to break the weaker. I can pinpoint this back to the birth of my brother. I'm eight years older then him, and the eight years were I was an only child was spent begging for a sibling. I've always been strangely close to my brother. Yes, I admit, there are times where my hormonal teenage girl self snaps at him for a reaction, but more often then that I'm oddly protective of him. Less "big brother" and more motherlike. Not that I don't have a good mother -I do- but I can't help but be another voice of reason for him.

I also had discussion about time today. I can't write about this much because it's something I think about all the time and still don't have a strong point of view on yet. I need to digest.

Thinking About Thinking

I haven't done a lot of improv in my life - my first time ever was last September doing the car with Cassie in STAC - but today was the first time that I really couldn't do it. I had felt tongue tied, even though I had nothing to say. Reflecting back on today I realize what stopped me is the same thing that ruins my writing. Thinking.

I first started thinking because I didn't want to curse or be too obscene. I was trying to filter everything so I wouldn't let something slip tomorrow in STAC Live. Then Luke started giving advice -really good advice, at that- and I started thinking too much about incorporating what Luke was saying into my own improv. I was thinking so hard that I didn't even end up incorporating any of it. I wasn't some one doing improv, I was some one thinking about doing improv.

The relationship between thinking and my writing is the same. My natural voice in writing was always carefree, bold, and hardly grammar conscious. It was sassy and truthful. I never say things like this about my own work, but, it was good. But most of these works are pre eighth grade. By mid eighth grade I had learned the names and definitions of most of the writing techniques that I had been doing my whole life without realizing. All of a sudden I was no longer writing metaphors, but I was adding metaphors. I was constantly thinking and I couldn't let myself just be. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe thinking like this is supposed to make you a good writer and it just had some crazy opposite effect on me. All I know is that prior to September 2007 it was never hard for me to get into that mindset where all my writing becomes good.